Charlotte's Birthday, 28th February 2007

I came to you today with daffodils and snowdrops,
Bulbs I’d dug into Southall allotment soil
Back in Autumn
When Winter was drawing in, and the days were
Short.

Fourteen long years ago we dug the soil and
Laid you six feet down beneath the ground
Where I now stand.
Fourteen long years you have been hidden
From our sight, Oh how I wish you could
Spring
Into Life
Like these bulbs which long lay dormant.
And yet... I know
that all that was truly you
is not lost.
You are more alive now than
you
ever
were.

But these human mother's hands
Still long to caress your face,
See your tiny hand resting in mine.
These mother's arms still long to
Cradle
You
In my arms,
Feel the weight of your tiny body,
Kiss your cheek, and let my tears
Wash away the pain of your brokenness.

If only tears would come…

I sit a distance away from where you lie,
Do not know how to approach you,
Do not know how to be with you.
Where is the intimacy we once shared?
That togetherness which felt so natural,
The bond that wrapped up you in me and me in you,
Held.

I have the memories locked in my heart,
You waving at us from the scanner screen,
The fluttering of you within my rounded tummy,
The searing pain as you were born.
I have the tears too, locked in my heart, and the
Cuddles I never gave you
Pile up
Ungiven.
Arms forever empty, a
Charlotte-shaped space
No other child can fill.

Here alone I lie upon your grave,
The sleeting rain stings my face,
The wet cold earth beneath my coat
Chills me to my bones.
It is bleak here.
Grief is bleak.

And yet…
Looking up now, the sun comes out
From behind the clouds,
Vibrant joyful colours of my flowers
Dance in the wind upon your grave.

Time does bring healing,
God does bring healing.
I look to the skies and give thanks
To God
For a life lived.

You were a precious gift for the months we shared,
And on Saturday, we shall come,
Your Dad and I,
And with us your sisters,
Who will laugh and play at your graveside.
We will eat birthday cake, talk of you,
Wonder what you would have been like now,
And ponder which of us will one day
Have the privilege of meeting you first
In heaven.
Four children will write cards, draw pictures
For the big sister they never knew,
Look at your photos, exclaim
‘So cute!’, ‘So beautiful!’, ‘Look at her little nose’,
‘See those tiny feet’.
And we will wonder at this precious child who
Touches our lives
Now and always..